


are you still here?

by crotch_centric



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Fluff, Holtzbert - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Plz dont hate me, ghostbusters - Freeform, maybe one chap?, not sure yet - Freeform, sorry for the heterosexual notebook reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-11-21 05:09:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11350512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crotch_centric/pseuds/crotch_centric
Summary: Erin's uncertainty in what she wants and how she behaves is driving Holtz mad, but Holtz can't be stay upset with Erin even if she tried.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea when I was in the shower last night and decided to sit down and write it all at once before I forgot it. Yay for no sleep.
> 
> warning: I was dead-ass tired when writing this, so excuse any flaws

**Dr. Gilbert**

Are you still here?

 

Holtz had switched Erin’s name in her phone to Dr. Gilbert a long time ago to remind her that her relationship with Erin was professional. She had never wanted it to be, obviously, but Abby had warned her about Erin’s tendency to flee and not to get too close. “Erin” felt to personal, so “Dr. Gilbert” it was.

 

She didn’t realize Erin was still at the fire house. She must have left her date to come back…? But why, it was a Friday night. Either way, Holtzmann was still there and decided to take a break to go find Erin in case she needed anything. Although you can’t very well convey abstract communication over text, the message felt urgent and heavy.

 

She scanned the first floor- Erin was nowhere to be found. The shaggy blonde made her way up the stairs to her floor. Erin was lying on her side on the sofa, scrolling through something on her phone fast enough that she wasn’t reading any of the words, but stopping every now and then to read the bolded sentences. She didn’t hear the blonde walk up to the back of the couch, mostly because Holtzmann had taken off her wet boots at the door.

 

Flustered, Erin locked her phone and set it on the floor, taking deep breaths as if she was timing them. Holtz watched her long enough for Erin to calm herself down and look a little more peaceful before she swung her right foot up on the back of the couch, crossing her legs, onto the side where Erin’s feet were.

 

She heard Erin sigh, acknowledging her presence almost expectant and not at all startled. She raised her body up on the toes of her left foot, propping her right cheekbone on the back of the couch. She leaned back and rolled down the back cushion of the couch until she flipped over enough to be pressed between the back of Erin and the couch.

 

Erin raised her head allowing Holtz to slide her right bicep under her neck as she felt her cup her left arm and slide her hand down it until she got to her wrist, pulling both arms back into Erin’s waist, embracing her. Her hand was chilled, as if she had just washed them in buckets of ice water.

 

The blonde had a variety of different smells, each just as captivating as the next. Right now, she smelled like lemons, grass, and pine, with the damp muskiness of a fresh rain.

 

“I thought you left, but I saw your motorcycle out there.” She mumbled into the other woman’s arm. Although, what Holtz heard was  _ ‘I was waiting for you, I’m glad you’re here.’ _

 

“Oh, yep. Still here. I was just working out in the garage.” But what she meant was,  _ ‘I’d be lying if I wasn’t hoping you’d come back.’ _

 

“What were you working on?”

 

“Just washing our jumpsuits- yours mostly. Fire hoses are lots of fun, by the way.” She knew Erin had more than what was keeping her preoccupied on her mind, but decided to play along for the sake of comforting her friend and allowing her to bring it up on her time, if she wanted to.

 

“It goes after me personally.”

 

“Sure does. But, exciting news… I finally found something that gets rid of it better than Dawn.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Pine Sol. But probs shouldn’t use that as shampoo.”

 

“Definitely toxic.”

 

“But it’s okay, I ordered a pack of swim caps for you. I’ll keep them in Ecto 1.”

 

“You ordered a  _ pack?  _ Why?”

 

“Well, now that we have an entire firehouse at my disposal, I don’t need to order as many fire extinguishers, but I still have Amazon Prime, so I figured I had to order  _ something _ to get my money’s worth.”

 

“Oh, well that’s sweet. And very considerate. Thank you.”

 

“Just looking out for you.” Like always, dammit Erin, can’t you see? “Plus, when you get slime in your hair I imagine the ogre from HP sneezing on your face. Huge turn off.” The “Hmm,” she heard in response a beat later must have sent her next thought to Erin telepathically,  _ ‘On second thought, maybe I should send those caps back. Now that you’re dating again. I need to get over you. Even if imagining you covered in ogre boogers is the only way.’ _

 

“Right… cause that’s going so well.” Finally starting to hint at why she’s here right now.

 

“...do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Mmmm,” was the groan in response. She did. She wanted to talk about it. She wanted to talk about it out loud with someone other than the other voice in her head that was trying to sort all this out.

 

But instead of saying more words, she rolled herself over, putting her face just under Holtz’s collar bones and wrapping her arms around the blonde’s waist, pulling her close. The motion said on its own,  _ ‘thank you for caring.’ _

Erin breathed in the Pine Sol and felt Holtz’s chilled back with her hands. Her front had warmed up between them, but she was still a little cold from being outside. Holtzmann wrapped her forearms around Erin’s shoulders, one hand on her hair, the other square in the middle of her back.  _ Erin, of course I care. I couldn’t not care if I tried. _

 

“You should have turned off the lights when you came in.” Her voice startled them both as they were drifting in and out of sleep.

 

“They’re clap off.” She muttered back into the top of the red head’s hair, which convinced her to lazily clap twice behind the engineer.

 

“Ha, JK, but worth a shot.” She pulled her phone out of a pocket from her coveralls and tapped it a few times before the lights went out. “Knew that’d come in handy.” Erin nuzzled her face deeper into Holtz, squeezing her in her arms.

 

It must have only been twenty minutes or so before Holtzmann woke up, her body temperature finally nice and toasty. She reached her hand up to brush hair out of Erin’s eyes and hold her face.

 

It didn’t take Erin much to wake up. She pulled her face back, leaning her ear on Holtz’s arm, still under her neck, and looked into her bright blue eyes. They were so bright they were almost glowing in the dark, staring right back at her.

 

It was unclear who started to lean in first, but within a moment, their lips were on each others. Holtz inhaled sharply through her nose, just as she normally does when she realizes she’s dreaming and gets too excited that she wakes herself up.

 

Erin opens her mouth, Holtz quick to follow, wanting to give Erin the power in this situation. The red-head pushes her hips forward against the blonde while reaching her hand up behind the nape of her neck, pulling herself closer.

 

Holtz rubbed Erin’s back with her free arm, knowing if she didn’t consciously touch an innocent part of her, her hands would roam too fast. It didn’t stop Erin’s hand from caressing up and down from Holtz’s hip to the side of her breast, time and again.

 

The kissing deepened, both feeling surreal and hyper aware of each other for how sleepy they had been just minutes ago.

 

It didn’t take long for Holtz to get too hot in her canvas coveralls. She unbuttoned them herself and slipped out of them, clarifying, “I’m getting warm,” when she did as not to freak Erin out.

 

“It’s fine,” she assured as she furthered her reach from hips to now bare thighs, hooking her hand around the back of Holtz’s knee, pulling her leg around her own hips.

 

Holtzmann couldn’t help but think to herself,  _ Erin is vulnerable. What happened on her date? This is about her emotional state, not about you. Don’t take it personally when she rejects you again. Ah, what the hell, live in the moment, right? _

 

“I’m getting warm too.” She wasn’t expecting this out of the more uptight of the two, especially not in accompaniment of her sliding out of her own jeans. This didn’t quite seem like the Erin she knew.  _ But what the hell, you may never get this chance again. Don’t rush it, but if it happens, let it. _

 

Their mouths were still open, sucking in each others lips. Hands still wandering down bare thighs, and up stomachs under shirts. She doesn’t remember if she took off Erin’s shirt or of Erin did it herself, but Erin’s breasts were now exposed, her black lacy bra pushed up against her own chest, still covered in her t shirt.

 

As soon as she started fiddling with the sides of Erin’s matching lace underwear, Erin started giving off different vibes. The hot, heavy, hungry kisses now turned into Erin pushing herself into Holtz as if to not allow Hotlz to actually move her underwear. The kisses were distracted, distant… different, before they stopped.

 

Erin flipped back over, claiming, “You know, I’m actually really tired.”  _ As if I can’t see through your lies, Gilbert. _

 

She saw it coming (though she wanted to see Erin coming). Holtz sighed a defeated sigh before she stood up, walked directly to the fire pole saying, “I’m thirsty,” without looking back before wrapping her arms and ankles around it. The thud her heels made when she reached the bottom were much louder than Erin expected, considering Holtz was only wearing socks on her feet.

 

Holtz filled a glass, chugged it, before setting it aggressively back on the counter, the empty glass echoing in the empty firehouse on the counter top.  _ Erin probably heard that. Fuck it. _

 

She considered rubbing one out before going back upstairs, but realized it probably wasn’t a good idea. All that would do would stunt her getting over Erin and make her more frustrated. She pulled a bag of frozen peas out of the freezer and placed it on the back of her neck. Patty insisted on keeping frozen peas in the freezer there because “They’re so much better than ice packs!! And with  _ her  _ around? Yeah, we gonna need it.”

 

Holtz was thankful for it now, for it to cool her down before going back upstairs. Plus, frozen peas made a great snack. They were better frozen than they were warm, that’s for sure. They were super frozen right now though, feeling freezer burnt on her hot skin. She didn’t shy away though. She dwelled in the sting of pain before feeling the melted ice drip down her.

 

She chugged another cup of water before making her way back upstairs. She walked over to the couch, not saying a word. Not looking at Erin in the eye, or even at her at all. She could see her in her peripherals and that was plenty. She put her coveralls back on, slowly to give the woman on the couch as long of an opportunity to say something as possible.

 

Erin breathed as if she was going to say something a few times, but no words ever came out.

 

“I can’t do this,” it came out barely audible to her own ears as she finished dressing herself, holding her eyes closed after not being able to help herself from glancng at the broken woman on the couch, thankful the room was still dark. “See you Monday.” Her words were flat, louder than the ones before as she stepped around the couch and headed for the stairs.

 

“Holtz?” Her tone was tentative, but upon not hearing an answer and thinking it was too late, Erin sat up abruptly. As if the sudden movement knocked air out of her, she exhaled,  _ “fuck” _ as she looked over the back of the couch, seeing the blonde stop at hearing her name, but not allowing herself to turn around quite yet.

 

She turned her head to the side, not looking over her shoulder, or even past the floor for that matter, just acknowledging that she was in fact listening.

 

“I’m  _ sorry. _ ” The words were weighted, desperate, but genuine and  _ raw _ . “He was just like you. Funny. Nonchalant, yet intense. Charming. Smart, creative. Captivating.  _ Loyal _ . Caring. And yet he was nothing.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Holtz cut her off, sick of playing games trying to figure her out.

 

“He wasn’t you. I told him I couldn’t see him again because everything I noticed about him reminded me of  _ you. _ ” Tears were swelling in her eyes.

 

Holtzmann didn’t know what she wanted, and apparently neither did Erin.

 

“So? What Erin? What do you want me to say to that? Do you know how much I want to walk away right now?” She saw a tear fall down Erin’s cheek. “But I can’t goddamnit. Because no matter what you do or what you say or how low you make me feel, I am  _ so desperate _ for a chance to be near you. To feel you. To comfort you. And it’s  _ tearing me apart,  _ you know that?”

 

Her breaths were shaky again as she waited for Erin to say something,  _ anything. _ But instead all she saw was Erin grasping to turn her ideas into words. Her confession wasn’t complete and was as fragmented and broken as the look on her face. She was struggling to understand herself, let alone express herself.

 

“What do you want?” Her words were firm and unwavering.

 

“What?” The direct question did nothing to defrazzle the woman still sprawled out on the couch.

 

_ “What  _ do you  _ want?” _ Her voice was louder, more demanding in the vast space between them. The lack of response did nothing but push Holtz further. She turned her head back in the direction she was walking as she took a large step forward.

 

_ “You.” _ She closed her eyes, telling herself it was her brain playing tricks on her until, “I want you,” was fully confessed from the sofa.

  
  
  
  



	2. are mondays worse than fridays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The monday after the dreadful Friday. Erin feels like shit. Holtz is doing okay. Abby and Patty get caught up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the last chapter done already, but we need a little bit of plot before we get there. y'all are gonna hate me whoops

Although her voice was wavering, it was loud and clear in the quiet room. Holtzmann heard her, undoubtedly and Erin knew it. And Hotlz knew that Erin knew that she heard it. But it didn’t stop her from turning back towards the stairs and exiting without another word spoken.

 

Her steps were soft as if she was tiptoeing out, which made them even more prominent in the weight they carried. Holtz’s body made the decision without communication from the part of her inside that yelled,  _ “Stop. Go back. Turn around. Make this right. She’s good for you.” _ But this was just evolution at its finest, keeping survival of one’s immediate self at highest priority.

 

\---

 

Erin looks exhausted. She’s pale, her eyes are dark and puffy, face sunken in. She yawns every few minutes between taking sips of her countless refills of coffee (more caffeine than tea), almost looks like a corpse, gasping for breath to stay alive- a fish-out-of-water kind of thing.

 

Holtzmann is well rested. She moves as she always does, only slower as if she’s sedated. She doesn’t look tired, just stressed. Her shoulders are hung over her torso as if the tendons and ligaments have been replaced with noodles.

 

Holtz greets Abby with a hug and stands with her hand on her arm as she fills her mug, asking her about her weekend.

 

“Oh it was great!” She noticed the pot of coffee was on it’s last cup and glanced at Erin, knowing Holtzmann generally waited until the afternoon to have caffeine. “Patty and I tried out that new cocktail bar by the Mercado after we left here Friday night.”

 

“It was dope as hell, too. They lit my drink on fire! FIRE!”

 

“So it was lit?” Holtz smirked over at Patty, waiting the reaction that was shot back,  _ “really?” _ Abby chuckled at the interaction, glancing between the two.

 

“It was really cool. Anyway, how about you? What did you do? How many poofs did you cause?”

 

“The better question is how many  _ unintentional _ poofs did you cause?” Patty’s interjection was legitimate.

 

Erin sighed heavily from the table, partially from briefly reliving the other night, partially because she was desperately trying to stay awake, and partially to bring awareness to how she was not a part of the conversation.

 

“Hm, fair point.” She pointed at Patty, acknowledging her wit. “But nah, didn’t really do much of this weekend. No poofs.” She corrected herself under her breath, “Well, not… that kind.” She clarified by making an explosion with her fingers and a  _ *ppggchkkeuwww*  _ sound from her throat.

 

Patty’s face fell, glancing at Erin. Her eyes said,  _ “Aw shit,” _ which was only picked up by the two women standing near her. Although the transplaced energy should have been more than enough to reach Erin.

 

But Holtzmann continued on to smother out the approaching awkward silence, “Honestly, I stayed in most of the weekend. Aside from a couple long walks in the rain. Did a lot of reflection and naked yoga.”

 

“Dear god, woman.”

 

“What? It’s my favorite kind. Unlimited mobility.”

 

“Okay, Elastigirl.”

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Holtzmann said with a wink.

 

Trying to cut off wherever the blonde was going with that, Patty gave Abby a look,  _ No poofs? Somethings going on here. _

 

“How about you Erin, anything fun?” Abby stepped to the side of Holtzmann who was leaned back on the counter, her legs stretched out in front of her, to get a clear view of Erin.

 

_ *sigh* _ “I didn’t do much either. I wasn’t feeling well most of the weekend. Maybe I caught something from the kids at the school last week.”

 

“Kids are nasty, yo. They’re covered in snot and germs it would not surprise me one bit if they gave you something.” Erin glanced at Holtzmann for just a fraction of a second- easily missed if you weren’t paying attention, assuming the other woman picked up on the ‘covered in snot’ comment that reminded her of the ogre comment. She did. “Plus, I’m sure being covered in slime just creates a breeding ground for bacteria.”

 

“Ew, Patty. But no kidding, you look like shit. Did you sleep at all since last week?” Abby had always been the mom-friend, and her concern overtook her politeness sometimes.

 

“Ugh, barely. I either would be too cold to fall asleep or wake up sweating. Also couldn’t really breathe.” She didn’t dare include that that was caused from all the crying. “But it’s fine. I just need to drink more water, probably.”

 

“Honey, go home. I’ll bring you some food tonight, but 1 you need sleep, 2 you are not going to get anything done the way you are and 3 if you’re contagious, you need to leave.”

 

“I don’t think it’s contagious… anymore. After I finish my coffee and wake up, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Erin. Really, go home. I’ll stop by later.” There was no point arguing with Abby when it came to the well-being of another person.

 

“Okay. Thank you Abby. I’ll see you later.” She waved to the three of them and grabbed her jacket, heading out.

 

As expected, they both turned to Holtz. “Okay,  _ what _ happened?” and “What the  _ hell _ is going on?” came out at the same time.

 

_ “Nothing happened.” _ Holtzmann said flatly, as if they were going to dismiss the conversation after that. She walked over to the table, purposely walking around it to sit on the other side from where Erin was sitting.

 

“Baby, who you trying to fool?” Patty sat where Erin had been, Abby next to her.

 

“I’m just done.” Abby nodded her head, understanding.

 

“Okay, but why? What happened?” Patty was too curious to let it go that easily.

 

She gave them a quick rundown of Friday night and said that when she left that night she made the decision to stop trying because it wasn’t fair to her. They talked about how Erin doesn’t know what she wants and isn’t comfortable with herself. How she has been toying with Holtz from the beginning, almost using her when she needed affirmations about her worth. All things Abby had witnessed from Erin first hand before she left.

 

And it wasn’t like Erin was out to get her and was intentionally sabotaging her, but conscious or not, it hurt. Since Erin had always compensated her low self-esteem by being a perfectionist in her work, so getting fired from Columbia and going into a “fake” field was going to lead her down one of two paths.

 

It was either going to shake her ground enough for her to get over what people thought of her and finally accept herself, flaws included. She would finally learn after years of being fragile and sensitive that others’ opinions of her shouldn’t influence the way she viewed herself. She would finally accept that she was different, even gay maybe. Because now social norms and conformity held no power over her.

 

Or, she would go down a spiral of depression, losing everything she thought of herself with the attachment of her worth to her career. She would try to compensate in other ways- going on lots of dates to make herself feel desirable. Unfortunately, this was the path she was headed down. However, the quantity of dates she had been did not provide her the genuine affirmations she needed. But Holtz did. And Holtz wasn’t going to hold back because what she believed Erin deserved and just because of who she was as a person.

 

After they had brainstormed this for a while, Hotlzmann had had her fill of talking about this and wanted to get back to something that  _ mattered,  _ something that she was  _ good at. _ So she left the other two women, them understanding that Holtz needed time and space alone to finish processing this. Or distracting herself. Regardless, they didn’t protest when she got up and made her way towards the stairs, not even stopping by the kitchen to grab a snack like she normally did.

 

\---

 

Erin doesn’t answer when Abby knocks. She knows Erin enough to know the spare key can’t be far, and probably not that well hidden even though Erin thinks it’s super clever. She finds it on the top of the doorsill after jumping quite a few times to reach it.

 

She lets herself in and sees Erin passed out in her bed, eyes crusty and mouth drooly. She sighed before leaving the doorway and back to the kitchen. She put the take out in the fridge along with the fruits and veggies she had brought her... And the small tub of coconut ice cream in the freezer.

 

_ Erin, I put some food in your fridge. I got you the mixed veggie combo from Wok N Roll and there’s ice cream in the freezer. Please don’t forget to eat. Take care of yourself, honey. A _

 

_ PS And please don’t feel obligated to come to work. Take all the time you need. I’ll stop by again tomorrow. _

 

_~~PSS PPS~~ _ _ whatever, another thing: Find a less obvious place to hide your spare. _

 

She left the note on the counter with the spare key, not waking her friend before leaving knowing that she needed the rest.


	3. the end is just a new beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> full of emotions. we see more angst and tension between Holtz and Erin as they try to figure out what they want and where they're at. Then they open up and are 100% honest with each other which is hard, but necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1: do i hate myself for this? mmmm, maybe a little  
> 2: i'm just trying to keep it real, but i also modified the ending a little to open the doors for hope (yay cliches)  
> 3: i think more than anything this is just me being angsty and maybe a little bitter that I'm so alone
> 
> anyways, enjoy!

“Morning.” Erin muttered mostly to herself as the other three women looked at her, shocked to see her.

 

“Hey Erin. How did you sleep?” Her dear friend purposely left out that she looked like she still hadn’t.

 

“Yeah, how you doin’ baby?”

 

No words from the third. Just a glance up and a small wave. No toothy smile. No glint in her eyes. No flush in her cheeks. No wink. Just enough to acknowledge the other woman before turning her attention back to the blueprint she was leaning over on the table between the other two women.

 

“I’m okay. I feel better than yesterday, but still not great.”

 

“You can take another day off. We’re not doing much.”

 

“Nahh. I think being here will be better for me. You know, doing something productive, being around you guys. I love you guys.”

 

Her eyes drifted to the blonde,  _ begging  _ for any glimpse of hope at her words.

 

Nothing.

 

Not even an uncomfortable shift of weight to her other leg. It was almost as if she didn’t hear anything at all, like a window back in time to Sunday afternoon: Holtz leaning over the table drowning her thoughts with the papers in front of her. A statue, unmoving and  _ numb. _

 

She shedded her jacket and hung it up as Abby approached her. She wrapped her arms around her sister in a concerned way, whispering only loud enough for her to hear, “Erin. We love you. But we’re not blind. We understand if you need to be alone. Time is the heart’s greatest healer.”

 

She sighed before she brought her arms down from Abby’s shoulders, still in denial that her heart was still holding on.

 

“Well, I’m going to head upstairs and get started. I’ve got  _ lots  _ of ideas flowing after sitting around all weekend.” She didn’t. And they all knew it.

 

Patty and Abby gave each other the,  _ “Shit, what are we gonna do?” _ look after Erin started ascending the stairs.

 

They had developed the skill of having entire conversations by a series of minute facial expressions. “ _ This is a disaster”  _ best summed it up as they ached in empathy for their friends.

 

\---

 

As much as Holtz tried her hardest to reevaluate the blueprint and ask as many questions as she could think of (that she already knew the answers to) she couldn’t shake the itch to materialize this sucker. Which would require venturing upstairs where all her equipment was.

 

Where Erin was.

 

“Well here we go,” followed a deep sigh in the most defeated, reluctant mumble. It was glaringly obvious she wasn’t talking about the machine.

 

“Good luck Holtzy,” she wished her as she placed her large hand on the small woman’s shoulder.

 

“Ughhh.”

 

\---

 

She had been at her counter tinkering the bits and pieces with tools and her fingers for no more than ten minutes. You could have cut the tension in the air with scissors.

 

This new ghost vacuum was going to be rad; it was going to be like the opposite of a grenade. Instead of exploding a ghost, it would implode and suck anything paranormal within a 12 foot diameter right into its spherical sticky core.

 

It didn’t take emotion to build. It took thought. It took patience. It took dedication.

 

It didn’t  _ demand  _ her attention. It didn’t care about her mood. It didn’t care what she had to give. 

 

It would exist if it was built, and would cease to exist if it wasn’t. Simple. Straightforward. Frustrating at times, yes, but predictable.

 

On the other hand, she could  _ feel _ Erin exuding a vibe pleading for her stares that she could pretend to ignore.

 

But Holtz does not look at Erin the way she used to. She doesn’t have to. She doesn’t  _ want  _ to. Because that would only allow her to reabsorb all the feelings she has been trying so hard to detach from.

 

Now allowing herself to look at Erin doesn’t help though. From the countless hours she has spent staring at Erin in adoration, her silhouette, her features, her skin tone, her breathing patterns, the way she picks at her cuticles when she’s concentrating… it’s all burned into her memories.

 

Burned into her memories in a way that taunts Holtz because she is remembering Erin from a time they were intimate. Not  _ intimate  _ intimate, but close, in tune with each other and operating at each other’s frequencies.

 

She was picturing an Erin that she was in love with in her brain. If she would look at the new Erin, she would realize that was fading. But she couldn’t risk averting her attention from the gadget under her fingers.

 

“We’ve gotta bust!” The both flinched at Abby’s voice penetrating the thick air from the stairwell. Both startled and thankful for a distraction, Holtz jumped to her feet and set her tools down.

 

Erin looked at Holtz, again waiting for something,  _ anything. _ But she had spun around and was already descending the stairs.

 

\---

 

There was three ghosts in the banquet hall. Luckily, it was late morning and they had plenty of time before it would be used that evening.

 

The entities were behaving like prepubescent boys. Patty was hollering at one in the kitchen as it was throwing chopped veggies and plates everywhere. Her and Abby got it contained just in time to hear what was happening in the other room.

 

The other two ghosts were swirling around the room tossing around a highly destructive poof-maker they had stolen from Holtz.

 

“Come on you mother fucker.” The smaller one was wrestling within her proton stream. She was luring it slowly towards the open ghost trap, which she had gotten out herself.

 

The bigger, slimier ghost was chuckling to itself as it circled around them from the ceiling like a shark. It looked like it was planning an attack.

 

_ So clooosee.  _

 

“HOLTZ!” Erin shouted as she fired her pack at the sludge monster behind Holtzmann. If she would have actually been paying attention, she would have realized he was just making a face to mock her.

 

The aggression startled and pissed him off, as he fled away towards the kitchen right as Patty was walking out the door into the main room. He dropped the Poof Master 8000 and knowing it’s capabilities, Patty jumped forward to catch it. She lucked out as she caught it softly enough for it to not implode their atoms from the inside out.

 

Erin was still holding down her trigger, flailing around to try to hit the ghost. Instead, she hit a chandelier that crashed to the ground, no more than 5 feet away from Holtzmann.

 

The glass shattered around her, the clash loud enough to cause her to stumble and fall, simultaneously releasing the ghost in her stream and getting glass shards stuck in her forearm.

 

“FUCK. I almost had him. What the hell Erin??”

 

“I was just-- He was-- I didn’t want--”

 

“He wasn’t going to do anything! I had the other one a foot away from the trap, you couldn’t have waited five more seconds?? Jesus, that’s so much glass. You know we have protocol that we aren’t going to break shit unless  _ absolutely _ necessary?”

 

“I was just looking out for you. I didn’t want you to get hurt.” She tried to apologize.

 

“Well don’t. I can take care of myself and I wasn’t even in danger.” She snapped back. “Now we have a whole other mess to deal with.”

 

It kills Holtz to think of not being friends with Erin. It would be so hard to shut out a member of her  _ family _ like that. But sweet heavens, it is not any easier being friends with her. Especially with all these raw emotions festering up inside each of them.

 

Abby’s heart clenched in her chest as she witnessed this fiasco but tried to refocus the group, “Guys. They’re mad. We can deal with the glass later.”

 

\---

 

When they were finished, Abby talked to the manager, apologizing for the damage and offering to stick around to help sweep it up. She insisted that they were thankful for getting rid of the ghosts and claimed they didn’t do more damage with one chandelier as the ghosts had done the past few weeks.

 

Holtz had stormed out to the car, Patty shortly behind her. Erin was just waiting for Abby on the steps right outside the entrance. Her face was in her hands but she wasn’t quite crying. She was too disheveled to cry right now. She removed her hands from her face and was tracing her thumb across her fingers as she breathed, counting each breath.  _ Breath in, 2, 3, 4. Breath out, 2, 3, 4.  _ Her eyes were closed and she didn’t even notice Abby walk out behind her.

 

She walked right past her towards the car and then reapproached Erin as Ecto 1 pulled away.

 

“Come on, get up.” She reached an arm out to pull her friend up.

 

“They left???”

 

“I told them to. It’s not even a mile and a half. You could use a walk.”

 

“Abby, we still have our packs!” She whined.

 

“Would you rather get in a car that size with Holtz? Because I think walking is a better option right now.” The snarkiness probably wasn’t 100% necessary, but it did ground Erin out of her delusion.

 

She didn’t need to say  _ you’re right _ , but it was implied when Erin stood up, slinging her pack across her back.

 

It’s a good thing Abby was competent because otherwise Erin would have walked right into traffic. Abby didn’t tell her to keep her eyes off the sidewalk and to look where she was going, she merely reached out and grabbed her arm at the crosswalk.

 

“Soooo, do you want to talk about it?” And here comes the prying.

 

“Talk about what?”

 

“Erin. Cut the act. How are you feeling? What do you want? What can I do to help you?”

 

“Ughhh. I feel like garbage juice. Like hot garbage juice. I just want to hibernate until forever.”

 

“So confused, I’m sure. Exhausted. Sad? Angry? Or do you think it’s mostly just confusion of trying to process everything?”

 

“Well I just-- It’s like… It’s like I didn’t think we would ever not be friends, regardless of what happened. But it’s just weird. I don’t think it will ever go back to how we were before.”

 

“No, it won’t. But before, Holtz was very hopeful you could be something more. Now that it’s obvious you can’t, she’s definitely going to act different.”

 

“I never said I don’t want more.”

 

“Okay, but your behavior says otherwise.”

 

“What?” She felt attacked. “ _ I’m _ not the one sending mixed signals.”

 

“Are you kidding? Erin, honey. You’ve been flirting with her since you started working with us. But anytime Holtz tries to make a move past casual flirting, you shut her out. Rejection is hard enough as it is, but when it comes in cycles mixed with hope, there’s only so much she can take.”

 

“For the love of god, she kisses Patty’s hand every time she gives her a high five! She wraps her arms around you every time you are close enough to do so. She is not treating me like a  _ friend _ . She won’t even look at me.” The tone had now shifted from desperation to angst.

 

“Erin. She does that with people she knows won’t complicate it. If she treated you like that you would reject her again, making it clear you will never be romantic. If she doesn’t treat you like that, you complain! Good god, woman. You have some sorting out to do.” What she intentionally left out was that Holtz was probably compensating, knowingly or not. Even though she still had Erin in her life, she lost a piece of Erin and is no longer allowing herself to behave the way she has felt for so long.

 

“But I love her. Abby, I love her.” Something clicked inside her. She felt a sense of acceptance admitting it out loud, not like everyone didn’t already know. It was accompanied by some implicit belief that because she wasn’t afraid anymore it would all work out. She would apologize and they would get past this and be together, like they ought to be.

 

“We all do. And we love you too. Which is why this is such a pain in the ass to watch you do this to yourselves.”

 

“So… what do I do now?” Because  _ make things right  _ from her brain was too vague to make a plan.

 

“Well, I think you should start with talking to her. Be honest, lay it out, move forward together.”

 

\---

 

Holtz was gripping the steering wheel much tighter than necessary. Her knuckles pulsed white as she squeezed and released. There was something strangely therapeutic about the self-inflicted pain she felt from the glass in her forearm every time she squeezed.

 

“I can drive.” Patty offered.

 

“Nope. It’s fine.” There was no sense in arguing with her.

 

“Holtzy, what  _ can _ Patty do for you?”

 

“I don’t know, Pattycakes. I’m still trying to figure out what I can do for myself.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know what else to say. It’s pretty obvious, is it not?”

 

“That’s a bit of an understatement.”

 

“What do you want?”

 

“Again. I don’t know.”

 

“Are you going to keep giving me answers like that? Or do you want to start cooperating?”

 

Holtz finally broke her stare through the windshield by meeting Patty’s concerned eyes with her own bright, but lifeless, eyes.

 

“Really, I don’t know what I want. For so long I wanted nothing more than to give Erin everything she deserves. But now.... I just feel so defeated. Like it’s finally time to give up.” She pulled Ecto 1 into the garage and put it in park.

 

Holtz has had to get over girls before, but never like this. She’s been turned down before even getting a first date. But to have such an intimate relationship with someone, always toying with the idea of hope, being constantly fed signals that eventually this could work… but it never would.

 

“You can chase something that’s always one step ahead, but if it’s  _ always _ one step ahead, you can  _ never _ catch it.” And that’s exactly what this was. “And as much as I would love for everything to go back to normal, I understand that you need to put yourself first. You can’t keep pouring yourself out for her if it’s going to end up draining you dry.”

 

“And honestly I think that’s where I’m at. No matter how much effort and dedication I lay out for Erin, the concept of being with her is always in the future… and  _ distant _ . It’s always out of reach.” She couldn’t imagine it in the now anymore, and that’s how she knew it wasn’t real.

 

\---

 

“These things are too goddamn heavy. Holtz, add that to your list, okay?” Abby set her pack down right inside the door.

 

“Sorry, next time I design something to control the paranormal and save lives I’ll keep in mind the equipment should be made from plastic instead.”

 

“I didn’t ask for that sass, missy.”

 

“I didn’t ask for yours.” Although they were bickering, it was light hearted and endearing.

 

“You know Abby, she does make them all with aluminum which is one of the lightest metals. So it could be worse.” Erin tried to interject her appreciation for Holtz as she also removed her pack from her sore shoulders.

 

“Well, Ms. Smartypants, Lithium is light _ est. _ So she could be doing better.” Abby was just dishing sass out to everyone.

 

“Noted!” Holtz pointed a finger at Abby, still not entirely acknowledging Erin’s comment.

 

“Would you quit moving?” Patty scolded Holtz as she was pulling shards of glass out of her arm with tweezers.

 

Holtz was sitting on the counter, her legs still in the jumpsuit, but her top half exposed in a snug-fitting tank top.

 

Erin walked over, placing her hand on Holtzmann’s knee. “Again, I’m sorry about that, Holtz. I should have been more careful.”

 

Holtzmann remembers how she snapped earlier and decides she needs to start treating Erin as a friend. A simple, close,  _ platonic _ friend. However, this meets a whole new dimension of  _ how-do-I-do-that _ because of her welcoming and endearing personality. She flirts with platonic friends out of a way of flattery and to express affection but can no longer do that with Erin.

 

“No, I’m sorry Erin. I should have appreciated your trying to protect me. I was just frustrated that the little asshole got away.”

 

“Does it hurt?” She ran her fingers up the broken skin, glad to find it had stopped bleeding.

 

The contact on her skin was no longer fueled with a need for more. It was just an act of concern and regret. “It’s tender, but it will be fine. Just need to make sure I wash it good.”

 

Patty was at the sink, rinsing out the washcloth before she hung it up and walked towards Abby. “Food?” It wasn’t as much an  _ I’m hungry _ (even though she was, considering the time) as it was  _ These two need to talk. _ They slipped out without saying anything, and really without the other two noticing.

 

Erin looked at Holtz, trying to pinpoint the lack of energy, but also realizing this was probably going to be the new norm for a while.

 

They were close. Erin still had her hands on Holtzmann- one on her knee and the other on her arm. Holtzmann smelled like rose oil, cinnamon and campfire.  _ How does she smell this good after busting a ghost??? _

 

Emotions flooded over Holtz, reconsidering what she had told Patty a half hour ago.  _ Do I want this? Does Erin want this? Should we give it a chance? _

 

Holtz slid off the counter and stood up, causing Erin to retreat her hands. “We should talk.” She leaned against the counter across from Erin putting some distance between them.

 

“Yeah.” They looked at each other and both started to smile as neither of them spoke. The tension was wearing down, but still present.

 

“Soo…--”

 

“--uhm,”

 

“Do you want to start, or shall I?” Erin looked at her, waiting.

 

“Um.. Holtz? Can I actually have a few minutes to journal? I have so many thoughts right now and I’m not going to be able to have a coherent conversation without even knowing where I’m at.”

 

She nodded, agreeing that mapping out where she was at would also help.

 

They both sat down at the table at opposite ends. Erin had a notebook and a pen and was making lists. Bullet point after bullet point. A whole outline with different levels.

 

Holtz sat there, leaned back and staring into space. She had turned her body enough when she sat down as not to stare directly at Erin. Her body didn’t move except for her fingers. It looked like she was making lists in her head while counting on her fingers. She tapped each of her fingers slowly before moving on to the next, and then she went through and repeated her points to herself a few times as to not forget them.

 

Throughout this 20 minutes of reflection, they had glanced up at each other occasionally as if seeing their subject would prompt the idea they were struggling to articulate. Every now and then they would meet each other’s eyes. The contact was soft and almost apologetic.

 

After Erin glanced over her notes one last time, starring somethings and not others, she looked up at Holtz who was waiting patiently for her. She added one more thing to her list.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Holtz just nodded at her, encouraging her to start.

 

“I want you to realize how much you have taught me about myself, about relationships, and about what love actually means. Really, I don’t think it’s just me either. It’s just who you are and how you treat everyone. You are easily the most genuine person I have ever met. You’re considerate and interested in people. You’re brilliant and dedicated to your work and a truly loyal friend.

 

You’re patient and gentle yet funny and bizarre and you’re so beyond comfortable with yourself. You’re never petty about anything. It’s so refreshing to be around you, especially as someone who has struggled for  _ so long  _ about what other people think of me. You’ve taught me how to be me, authentically. And I am beyond grateful for that, and for you. And of course, I’m still very conscious about how people see me but I’m  _ getting better. _ I’m learning how to let go of that and care less about the mean comments online and condescending remarks in person.

 

And really, making that short list of things I completely adore about you made me wonder why I’ve been so afraid of letting us be anything more. You’re beyond what I could have wanted in a partner. But then it hit me. I was never in love with you. I was in love with the idea of you. I learned how to fall in love with myself by being around you. And honest to god, Jillian, I do love you. But I love you in a “I want the absolute best for you” kind of way. I so dearly want you to be with someone who wants you as much as you want them. And I know I just can’t give that to you.”

 

Holtz maintained a perfect poker face, just nodding along as Erin spoke from her jumbled letter. Instead of responding to one at a time, she figured it would be best to give her side right away and then they could figure it out from there.

 

“I’m just gonna run through my side and then we can go from there?”

 

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

 

“I built you up in my imagination for so long I forgot you were human. I had you on a pedestal and Erin, I think you might always be there for me. But the constant confusion and headache of trying to figure you out quite frankly isn’t worth the stress.

 

I’ve loved before, and I will love again, but you won’t be a stop along the way. Which gives me vertigo just admitting out loud. I  _ know _ we’re compatible. We can spend hours on end together and when we get up to leave, I can’t fathom how our time is up for the night because all I want to do is watch you and make you laugh and hear your stories. I want to watch you blush at my comments and I want to hear your witty comments back that you play off as a joke even though we both know they’re not. I want to be close enough to brush hair away from your face while staring into your eyes. But I didn’t want that with you before I met you, and I don’t want that now with someone else I haven’t met yet. And I’ve realized that the only way for me to get over you is to accept that there can always be someone else. And that’s fine. It’s just going to take some adjusting and recategorizing in my brain, but it’s okay. I’ve made peace with that.

 

You deserve better than the life you give yourself. You deserve comfort and stability and I want you to see that so badly. I wanted you to see that so bad that I went to the extremes of providing it for you. But I can’t. I can’t change the way you see yourself and what you do for yourself. My behaviors will never be enough.

 

I wanted more with you. I wanted to sweep you off your feet, to be your ‘knight in shining armor’ if we’re gonna go there. But you need someone who is going to provide you with sound judgment and be a rock. And the reason I can’t do that is because every decision I’ve made about you this far has been rooted in emotion- in admiration and in what I believe you deserve.

 

Getting over you was the hardest relationship I’ve ever had to get over, and it wasn’t even a relationship! It was never real! I had to get over the idea and hope I had invest in you. And as much as part of me wants to try at this, most of me knows that I cannot physically, mentally, or emotionally handle the stress of potentially having to endure that again. I can’t.

 

And toying with the idea of what could have been will probably always haunt me, but it’s just too much. So I’ve made the decision that we will be friends. That I will care for you and listen to you and offer you comfort when or if you need it. But I have let go of any burden of expectations from you. I can’t go back. After I’ve accepted moving people out of the ‘potential romance’ category from my brain they do not return.”

 

Her confession came out much smoother than expected. It was calm, collected, but  _ raw.  _ It was as if she pulled her heart out of her chest and it had given the speech instead.

 

But more than that, everything was out there. Everything was laid out in the open. No secrets. Nothing ambiguous left for interpretation. And really this was the most honest they had ever been with each other and as much as it was supposed to create boundaries, they had never felt more intimate in all of their friendship. Not even on the couch the other night or while getting drunk and sharing secrets from college. Not even when Holtzmann had greeted Erin with a bouquet of tulips and  _ wayyy  _ too many balloons and cupcakes for her birthday, or when she basically dropped the flowers and let go of the balloons (which were shortly later popped by the ceiling fans) to wrap her arms around her waist and pick her up, telling her she was a queen.

 

It was as if pouring themselves out to the last drop had created a new depth of their friendship. As if letting go of the expectations and realizing they had been in love with their perception of the other had grounded them back to reality. It created a new hope and a fresh start that maybe they could begin again and focus on who the other person really was rather than who they wanted them to be or who they expected them to be.

 

It was liberating. And this new openness was just the recipe that was needed to move forward and potentially build up a new building from their foundation of interest in one another.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear some feedback. Comments are SUPER appreciated. Also, come find me on tumblr: https://crotch-centric-over-here.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I'm not sure if this is going to be a one chapter thing or if I'm going to add to it. If I have any more spontaneous ideas that don't go with my other story, I'll probs tack them on


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